You may have noticed the lack of inspiration over the last few days… I’ve been feeling rather grumpy and feeling completely uninspired… There are a lot of crap emotions that one can feel… but lacking motivation to do anything has got to be among the worst. There’s nothing quite like waking up in the morning feeling like you’d rather just go back to sleep for a few days. This really upsets me as most of the time I feel like there aren’t enough minutes in the day to accomplish everything I want to or need to do. So when I feel like wasting time it really is just that – a waste of time!!!!!
It is probably a combination of things that have made me feel like this: I haven’t been reading my happy book, I haven’t been focusing on the positive in my life, I haven’t been working on my website which often gives me a happy boost just reading all the positive things I am posting, but I think possibly more importantly…. I have been fighting what I am feeling and I’ve allowed myself to be sucked back into the drama of life that is my mother.
After 6 months of being clean and then relapsing & being kicked out of tertiary treatment in June.. she is just going from bad to worse as time progresses. You would think a 50 something woman would have the ability to find herself a flat and be able to move her furniture and sort out her life. Not my mother. No. Everything is someone else’s problem.
So…. next step is sorting out all her furniture and household items which have been in storage for the last 6 months. I happened to stumble upon a letter I wrote to her in 2009 when she was in her last rehab. Letter To My Mom 2009. It makes me so sad to think of how much hope I still had back then. How much I needed her to kick this addiction. How much I needed my mother back. But as usual my pleas fell on deaf ears and she continued down her spiral of hell. I suppose I should be grateful that I feel different now… I no longer feel that desperation of needing her and the panic of suddenly having to raise a child. In fact I am immensely grateful for Nicholas and everything he has brought to my life. He is such a amazing young man and hearing him laugh with his friends fills me with happiness.
But I really shouldn’t have read the letter last week as it just drove the point home that I lost my mother a long time ago. She is still alive but addiction has taken her over and I really don’t believe she will ever come back. The problem with this is that I find myself grieving for the mother I lost – over and over and over again. Again and again there is hope, and then gut-wrenching disappointment when you realise once more that the fight isn’t over. I miss the mother I knew and loved, and the mother I always thought she was while I was growing up. She was so beautiful and funny and I admired her so much, I remember watching her for hours every morning as she got ready for the day and hoping that one day I would be just like her.
Now I can’t think of anything worse than being just like her. In fact the thought chills me to the bone.
The hurt & grief I feel over losing Ossi, my brother, and then my mom just threatens to overwhelm me on my darkest days. Looking back really is a terrible thing to do; to think of what you have lost and how quickly everything in your life can go wrong can be truly terrifying. The family I grew up with is no more. One day my children might have a question about my childhood and I actually won’t be able to answer them because I cannot remember and there is no one else left who would. Once again I am grateful beyond measure at the relationship I have built with my father after the passing of my brother. The world certainly works in mysterious ways and I know my brother’s death was meant to bring us together again.
I sit here crying as I write this but I feel these emotions need to come out today before I can move forward. I get angry at myself when I feel sad and I get incredibly frustrated at not having the strength to listen to everything I have read and learnt about being positive and happy and being in the present – yet I also know that you can’t be happy all the time. You can’t be inspired all the time. Sometimes you just have to accept how you are feeling. (Thank you for that: The Power of Now.) I reached that acceptance yesterday as I no longer feel frustrated, I just feel like I need to have a cry – and then I can pick myself up and move forward.
Richard repeated a quote last night that I have heard over and over again, but needed to hear in that moment last night. Focus on the future. I think it’s important to remember your past so you don’t make the same mistakes, but don’t focus on it. Focus on what you DO have control over and focus on just making the rest of your life the BEST of your life.
I just have to add that what is surprising to me, (which shouldn’t actually come as a surprise as I have read about it, just never experienced it for myself I guess) is that the minute I ACCEPTED how I was feeling… things started to change. Try it and you’ll see for yourself.
The motivation & happiness I have been feeling since my transformational workshop with Vernon has not left me… it’s just been hiding for 2 weeks, but I have no doubt I’ll find it again and that fills me with hope, faith and the courage to keep moving forward. One of my favourite quotes (simple yet effective!): “Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn’t disappeared. It’s still there on the other side of the clouds.”
There. I already feel a bit better:) Now I am going to add 29384731489 inspirations so I stay on the right track;)