I reread one of my early favourites >> John Kehoe – Mind Power into the 21st Century. I feel more focused now on guarding my mind and keeping out negative thoughts. Six months ago I wouldn’t have had the mental capacity to even entertain the idea of controlling negative thoughts. I didn’t have control no matter what I tried. On the right medication and settled into my own space I am able to use and practise the techniques in the book.
In writing down my most common thoughts, these came up “I am so miserable” “I’ll never be happy” “everyone else is much better at me at everything” “life is so shit” . Well with those affirmations no wonder I’m not a bubbling bottle of happiness and gratitude!
I’ve been thinking a lot about my psychologist Dr Helen Laurenson. She taught me to validate my feelings and emotions. While things fell apart on the outside, I really was slowly building myself up on the inside. Looking back I can see that now. I now trust in my own intuition and mainly look inside to see what feels right instead of relying on others advice. This is an ongoing process and a bit like dancing sometimes. Three steps forward one step back. I guess that’s why they say learn to dance in the storms 🙂
It’s June 2016 and my thyroid seems to be flipping… I have been losing so much weight over the last few weeks, and my anxiety has changed somewhat. More fatigue and foggy brain. I went to see Dr Kromhout in July who determined the thyroid had gone Hypo, and adjusted my medication.
It’s been a lesson in itself to learn to support myself living on my own. There have been more times than I can count or wish to remember that I didn’t have money for food or medication but had oto much pride to just ask someone for help. I still find it almost impossible to ask for help. Thankfully there have been been a few friends who have been absolutely amazing, and just when I would really think of giving up, someone would invite me to do something or somehow I would get extra cash or a bag of food from my dad.
Goal 1: Learning to accept the past and find the lessons
In the last year I have seen and done so many things… created some of my most wonderful memories and I have met incredible people. While it has been my hardest journey yet… I have learnt so much – about myself, my family, my friends, my beliefs, habits and life. And I am grateful for every lesson.
Goal 2: Taking steps to move forward
It doesn’t matter what you do; how big or how small. Just take one small step.
In August I finally got my cart horse contract back! YIPPEEEE. Starting off with one day a week to see how the fatigue and stress goes, but ultimately I’m back in the door and couldn’t be happier.
It’s been great to be back at cart horse. Love everyone there, and the new staff are great too! There have been a few very difficult days where I wondered if I am capable of doing the job, the brain fog gets too much and I cannot focus properly. I have just had two great, productive days though so just need to remember to be patient. With myself and with healing my body and mind. The good days will always return, and I am so grateful for every day that I wake up healthy and happy.
Goal 3: Keep the Faith
I am feeling better than I have in months, possibly even two years 🙂 I am working more hours for Cart Horse and feeling much more focused, motivated and efficient.
Greatest lesson of all is to have faith. Faith in life. Faith that things will work out. Most importantly faith in yourself.