CHAPTER 8 – a focus on health, hope and faith
I reread one of my early favourites >> John Kehoe – Mind Power into the 21st Century. It has changed my life – again. I am MUCH more focused now on guarding my mind and keeping out negative thoughts. it has once again affirmed how essential it is to sort out your health or environment before you indulge in hateful thoughts toward yourself. six months ago I wouldn’t have had the mental capacity to even entertain the idea of controlling negative thoughts. I didn’t have control no matter what I tried. On the right medication and settled into a home I am able to use and practise the techniques in the book.
no wonder I have had a rough time. In writing down my most common thoughts, these came up “i am so miserable” “i’ll never be happy” “everyone else is much better at me at everything” “life is so shit” . with those affirmations no wonder I’m not a bubbling bottle of happiness and gratitude. lol.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my psychologist Dr Helen Laurenson. She taught me to validate my feelings and emotions. While things fell apart on the outside, I really was slowly building myself up on the inside. Looking back I can see that now. I now trust in my own intuition and mainly look inside to see what feels right instead of relying on others advice. This is an ongoing process and a bit like dancing sometimes. Three steps forward one step back. I guess that’s why they say learn to dance in the storms :)
It’s June 2016 and my thyroid seems to be flipping… I have been losing so much weight over the last few weeks, and my anxiety has changed somewhat. More fatigue and foggy brain. I went to see Dr Kromhout in July who determined the thyroid had gone Hypo, and adjusted my medication.
It’s been a lesson in itself to learn to support myself living I on my own. There have been more times than I can count or wish to remember that I didn’t have money for food or medication but had to much ego to just ask someone for help. I still find it almost impossible to ask for help. Thankfully there have been been a few friends who have been absolutely amazing, and just when I would really think of giving up someone would appear or somehow I would get money or a bag of food. After my last bill and how I felt taking the medication, I decided to just stop all treatment and focus on living healthily; keeping my body healthy with exercise, and my mind healthy with positive thoughts and meditation.
Goal 1: Learning to accept the past
Actually very grateful to have my eyes opened. White priviledge growing up in Clifton and Hout Bay. I had no idea. I had no idea about apartheid. No idea about the future implications. My parents certainly didn’t seem into politics. The only thing I remember related to apartheid was my father telling beggars to voetsek. Then again I don’t think i considered or thought about anything really until reading chariots of the gods and realising my brain could actually contemplate shit.
In the last year I have seen and done so many things… created some of my most wonderful memories and I have met incredible people. While it has been my hardest journey yet… I have learnt so much – about myself, my family, my friends, my beliefs, habits and life. and I am grateful for every learning.
Goal 2: Taking steps to move forward
It doesn’t matter what you do; how big or how small. Just take one small step.
- I created photo.co.za to follow my passion with photography and my longterm idea of creating a platform where people can find photos of themselves or recent events.
- I have a funder for the Horse Sanctuary farm!
- Smile Dream Love and Horse Sanctuary are being updated more regularly. small steps:)
- Consulting for Cart Horse Protection as online fundraiser – In August I finally got my cart horse contract back! YIPPEEEE. Starting off with one day a week to see how the fatigue and stress goes, but ultimately I’m in the door and couldn’t be happier.
It’s been so great to be back at cart horse. Love everyone there, and the new staff are great too! There have been a few very difficult days where I wondered if I am capable of doing the job, the brain fog gets too much and I cannot focus properly. I have just had two great, productive days though so just need to remember in future to be patient. The good days will always return. and I am so grateful for every day that I wake up healthy.
Goal 3: Keep the Faith
It seems once I stopped my medication.. my body took a short turn for the worse, but has now righted itself. I am feeling better than I have in months, possibly even two years :) I am working more hours for Cart Horse and feeling much more focused, motivated and efficient. Soon I’ll be moving into a farm and fulfilling my dreams of rescuing horses!
Greatest lesson of all is to have faith. Faith in life. Faith that things will work out. Most importantly faith in yourself believing in your emotions and what is right.