• My Story

    Chapter 7 – Health, Anxiety, Depression

    My moods dropped very very low in those final days of January, even though some special friends were doing their utmost to keep me busy. I worry that I will not be able to earn an income in the future. I feel like I have some kind of technical burn out. A complete inability to to handle any form of stress.  Deadlines and stressed colleagues basically send me into a catatonic state.  I can do physical labour for hours… but a computer? Can’t bear to open it… Relationships? Who wants to be with someone who is fine as long as everything is fine… why would anyone choose that uncertainty for a…

  • My Story

    Remembering Ryan

    Ryan McIntosh5 July 1982 – 25 June 2006 He was my partner-in-crime for most of my young life and I often wish for just one day of reminiscing with him. even one hour. or just one minute. We fought like cat & dog but he was my big brother and I loved him. If you have any of your own pictures of my brother, please share them with me! Email andi@smiledreamlove.com.

  • My Story

    A Tribute to Ossi Rubin

    A tribute to the wonderful man who was my second dad – Ossi Rubin. I cannot believe 8 years have gone by…it feels like just yesterday… Driving to school every morning from Hout Bay along Victoria road to Camps Bay. Mainly in a happy silence, listening to Celine Dion belting out her beautiful french album… I knew the words by heart but had no idea what they meant. Sometimes with a car piled up with friends; Marco, Juliano, Brenton, Sian, Justine or Claudia. Sitting with you on the bench in the evenings watching the koi fish. I still remember my excitement on the day you said I could have my own. I…

  • My Story

    25 June 2006

    Every year on this date I wake up at around 2 or 3am and think about Ryan. What had he been doing right now on that morning that changed our lives forever? Had he been awake the whole night? waiting? or had he set an alarm? Did he know he was going to take his life that morning or was it done in an impulsive moment? Why did he take his life at that time in his life? When things finally seemed to be going well for him? At the one time when we all least expected it… I know it’s silly to dwell on these types of questions I…

  • My Story

    Chapter 6 – Life…. WTF?!

    Chapter 6 marks the spiral of my anxiety disorder and major depression, forcing me to evaluate everything I had ever thought or believed about life, and my desperate scramble to regain pieces of me that felt lost.

  • My Story

    Chapter 5 – Love

    Love is a powerful emotion. Some say love conquers all, but unfortunately there are times and situations in life where love simply isn't enough.